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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Blondicup - A play

[I wrote this for my daughter to perform with her friends on her eighth birthday. The kids were all quite young and the goal was to write something that they could memorize with just one rehearsal. Everyone performed their lines. . . and all had a laugh!]

A Tale of Woe that Ends Well


The Royal Palace:

King Notagenius
King's Fools, Eatsalot, Fartsalot
Queen Cholera
Queen's Maids, Coca, Cola
Princess: Blondicup
Blondicup's Godmother
Sheriff Rubberdagger
Knight Robin

Goober Palace:

Baron Von Pickenguber
Lord Billybob
Boomslang Man -  in Snake Costume preferably green




Welcome to our play,
You’ll see it is small.
But I hope you’ll find it’s not silly at all.
Here is our cast, you’ll see it is big,
Yet not one of us is wearing a wig.
I am your Chorus, though I am just one,
Pretend I’m a hundred - it’ll be a lot more fun!

I’m King Notagenius. Some call me the King of Hearts.
I have two fools, one who eats, and one who farts.  [Fartsalot toots loudly!]

I’m Eatsalot. I prefer to be called advisor to the king, on matters of eating! [He chomps an apple!]

I’m Fartsalot. My name doesn’t mean a thing. [He toots loudly again.]

I’m Queen Cholera. I’m plotting to take over the realm and marry the King.

We’re Coca and Cola, royal maids,
Hand servants to the Queen of Spades.

The King’s my father, I’m the Princess,
My real mother unfortunately, has been laid to rest.

I’m the godmother to the royal heir
I am entrusted with her care.

Far on the other side of the land
A dark castle does stand
The Baron there eats most anything,
He’s known as Pickenguber, an awful name if you ask me,
He doesn’t care - he’s Aristocracy!

I’m Baron Von Pickenguber, and this is Lord Billybob.

Hello!!  I’m getting braces one of these days.

I’m Sheriff Rubberdagger.
How do you like my manly swagger?
Wicked crimes I’m meant to stop
But actually I’m just a cop.

I”m Knight Robin, the hero of the land.
I seek to slay the monster Boomslang,  . . . who is half snake, half man.
But I prefer reading poetry, mostly at night
To a lovely princess, all dressed in white.

I’m Boomslang.
My mother was a goddess, my father was a snake.
What a tragedy, when me they did make.

Enough introductions. Let the play begin!

SCENE I - At the King’s Palace

CHORUS:   Princess Blondicup has been taken from the opera, by men in masks.
Rumor has it she’s in the dungeon at Goober Palace, alas, alas.
They’ve taken her godmother too.
God only knows what they’ll do.

Queen Cholera, Coca, and Cola enter stage left crying.

COLA: I hardly have the nerve to tell our King.

COCA: He’ll die of grief the poor man.

CHOLERA: [In a low voice]  Good riddance if you ask me. That little squirt of a princess was getting a little too big for her britches.

[Loudly, in her normal voice]   Oh No! Our most beautiful princess!

Notagenius enters stage right,

NOTAGENIUS: What’s the fuss about?

COLA: Our lovely princess taken from beneath our very eyes. But fear not - I’ve sent Sheriff Rubberdagger to go and find her.

Weeping, all exit stage left except Notagenius.

Our Blondicup more lovely than the stars above
And more peaceful than the quietest dove.
What cruel man or beast
Should now upon my daughter feast


SCENE II - At Goober Castle

Baron Von Pickenguber paces back and forth. Next to him stands Billybob.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

BILLYBOB: It’s that traitorous sheriff, Rubberdagger.

PICKENGUBER: [hard of hearing] What?

BILLYBOB: I  s-a-i-d  I-t-’s  R-u-b-b-e-r-d-a-g-g-e-r!!

PICKENGUBER: Let him in.

Rubberdagger enters, with Blondicup and her Godmother, held at his side.

RUBBERDAGGER: I’m here to collect my reward, for Blondicup.

PICKENGUBER: Here’s your money, and be off.

RUBBERDAGGER: And, remember your promise.

PICKENGUBER: [loosening dentures] Yes, yes.

RUBBERDAGGER:  [to the audience]
The Queen takes power with evil plots,
She’ll marry the one who eats his snots!

Alas the  king will have to die
In order to keep his daughter alive.
The Princess will be married to the man of no teeth,
With dentures that smell of rotten beef!

Yours truly will become a Lord
And trade this dagger for a sword.                         He exits..

PICKENGUBER: How are the marriage preparations going?

BILLYBOB: Very well your Excellency. You will be married to the Queen as soon as the king gives up his throne. And I’ll be wed to Blondicup at the same time.

BLONDICUP: I’ll never marry you, you horrible man, not as long as there’s a breath left in this frail body. . .

PICKENGUBER: [angrily] What insolence. Give her to Boomslang. That’ll change her mind..

CHORUS: No, not Boomslang!

Somber slithery music as Boomslang man enters stage left, half-man, half-snake.

Slither hither if you please . . .
It’s your body I’d like to squeeze.
There’s no death that can match
The thrill of sliding down my hatch

BLONDICUP: Oh how horrible. How horrible.

CHORUS: Poor Blondicup. Who will rescue her in this dark hour?


SCENE III - The Palace

King Notagenius sits alone on the stage.

What should I do what should I do?
Normally I would consult my fools.
Though this sounds absurd,
My fools have less sense than an ordinary bird.

But call them anyway, I’ll listen to what they say.
Then I’ll do the opposite, that way I’ll play.

Call Eatsalot and Fartsalot!

CHORUS: Yes. Call Eatsalot and Fartsalot !!!!

Eatsalot and Fartsalot enter stage left, one lugging his belly and eating a carrot, the other farting prodigiously.

You’ve heard the news now pay your dues
Think of a way to rescue our muse.

Fartsalot and Eatsalot huddle together:

What can we do for you good king. [Munch, Munch!] Yes, [Burrp!] what can we do? That is, besides what we do already? Unrescuable. Yes my lord. She’s un-rescue-able. Nothing can be done. Nothing at all.

I thank you for your advice, it may save the day
Good ideas from two lumps of clay.

Get me Knight Robin!

CHORUS:  Yes! Knight Robin. Knight Robin!

COCA: Knight Robin,
that lovely prince,
Is out slaying monsters
That would make you wince.

NOTAGENIUS: Get him anyway.

COLA: When you get him,
Could you have him stay.
And have him say a line or two
In our play?

Eatsalot and Farstalot reappear with Knight Robin.

My lord. I’ve heard the news and have a plan.
But to execute it I must scram.
To Goober Palace I must go, and save our princess from her woe.


SCENE IV - In the Forest outside Goober Castle.


CHOLERA: Now my little princess, you’ll do as I say,
You’ll marry Lord Billybob, or you’ll die today
Boomslang will eat you for his midday lunch
And I’ll drink your blood as refreshing punch.

GODMOTHER: She will not! Her father will rescue her just you wait.

SIR ROBIN: Hark who goes there?

ROBIN: Ahha I should have known
Cholera you have plotted against the throne.
And Rubberdagger, the sheriff of this land,
An assistant to her evil hand.
he pulls his sword . . .
Out sword of steel,  be true,
And cut that knife of latex through.

Rubberdagger and Robin fight. Rubberdagger falls.

ROBIN: Boomslang, you and I finally meet,
And lucky you, you get to sleep.

He kills the Monster.

Notagenius, followed by Guards, who have apprehended Pickenguber and Billybob.

Tie them up and take them down.
To the dungeon below the town.

Guards lead the guilty parties away.

Godmother takes her place beside the king, the Princess takes Knight Robin’s hand. 
They are flanked by Coca and Cola. Eatsalot, and Fartsalot.

Call the minstrels, let’s not debate,
For indeed we have much to celebrate.
Pour the wine, slaughter the ox,
Sing praise to our king, the wily fox.
Let’s remember our queen, who to the dungeon went.
And our princess so sweet, and innocent.                                   Exeunt


Rubber Dagger
Silver Sword - (cardboard & tinfoil)
Knight’s Shield and Helmet
Big Snake Tail
 False Teeth

Whoopie Cushion

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