The beginning while good news, it is the most painful first step of any journey.
You have lots of time to achieve self-knowledge . . work on it.
You aren't alone . . . this is a big realization . . . you act as if you are on stage all the time because you sense other presences . . .
This is good.
Just as an eagle sees the little birds and little creatures, the little creatures do not necessarily see it. You are developing the eye above yourself. The watcher.
We see friends, lovers, family etc. as equals and other beings as lessors . . . when in reality a dog and a butterfly are equally complex and complete. One might argue a mosquito is more complete than an equally weighted piece of your finger or your brain. Comparisons here are odious.
So we have this pyramid . . but it's not a pyramid, it just seems like one, of what we see . . below us . . . and around us . . . but what watches us? . . . For this we come to constructs like God . . . . . but could it be that other higher life forms actually watch us as carefully as say we watch a loyal pet?
It's a question we don't have to answer, if we merely accept that this is a universe of giant beings and minuscule small ones . . and that we, whether we are a God or a mosquito are always surrounded by beings more and less powerful . . and the more powerful beings are harder to see . . but easier to sense.
We feel the ocean because it is larger than us . . we understand it best when we are in the middle of it . . So it is with other intelligences.
In some way you are being spooked by a sensation of being still in a giant universe. It's spooky up there when you look at the stars. It's dark, hot, freezing. . . and yet here we are . . here you are . . a miracle.
That is one dimension of what you are feeling . . .
The Puranas tell the story of Vishnu, the most-powerful all embracing incarnation, visiting Indra, the King of Gods, also powerful, but a bit of a head case with a swollen sense of self-worth. I quote Wikipedia:
"Vishnu praises Indra's palace, casually adding that no former Indra had succeeded in building such a palace. At first, Indra is amused by the Brahman boy's claim to know of former Indras. But the amusement turns to horror as the boy tells about Indra's ancestors, about the great cycles of creation and destruction, and even about the infinite number of worlds scattered through the void, each with its own Indra. The boy claims to have seen them all. During the boy's speech, a procession of ants had entered the hall. The boy saw the ants and laughed. Finally humbled, Indra asks the boy why he laughed. The boy reveals that the ants are all former Indras." [fr. Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra ]
The other dimension is a sudden growing of awareness of the truths of your own life.
We live in upon the stage of our own creation, acting out the lines of a play that we ourselves have written, in a production we have cast and directed . . .
. . . so that, we may sit back as the audience to our own show, and reflect upon it, and hopefully, understand it !
We're all drama kings and queens. Rebirth means letting go of the dramas, allowing them to happen on that stage, instead of acting in them ourselves.
We do this so that we can keep control of our lives . . . some aspects of your life are very predictable . . same with mine . . if it weren't so we'd go crazy. I know if I get up in the morning and have coffee and sit at the computer I'll most likely write something. . whether a poem or a message or a piece of an idea . . . like I am writing to you now . .
But other aspects of our play shoot off in unpredictable directions. . . so as directors of our own life we want to get control of that, so it doesn't blindside us with pain and misery. . . .
So part of your feeling 'accompanied' . . . as if you are talking to another being is that you are becoming aware of another growing part of yourself.
This is good because to be complete we cannot exist just on one level. If we are a tool for working the stuff of life, then we can't be all blade and no handle . . we cannot be just wheels and no chassis . . . or sky with no earth. . . we must exist on multiple levels and each of those levels has a consciousness that goes with it. So when another level develops suddenly, it feels like someone else has entered the room. The consciousness that developed came from somewhere . . from the pool of where all consciousness comes from. That is the Self.
We are often rivers that have become suspicious of the water of another river that joins us, when that which joins us is that which we have been part of all along.
Now about another dimension . . the dimension of the heart. I've been talking to the head for the past two pages . . . the heart is the base . . is the sensitive being . . the part of us that can't spell. . that hates having to learn. . that wants to be wild and childlike and loving. . and is frightened by straight lines . . and complex languages . ..
I feel and see your heart at work . . you are a loving flame amidst many cold gusts . . . and this makes you feel depleted . .
So you appreciate the goodness of W_____ from afar . . because you feel so alone even though you are with him . .
This loneliness comes from being a supplier of heart energy. The secret to recovering your happiness amidst such demands is to learn how to replenish yourself . . how to treat yourself right . . who to be calmed by . . who to be protected by. One who supports and protects so many as you must also be supported and protected. Don't be ashamed to look for that in your relationships . . . it's not a sign of cowardice or fear . .
We all need that. This leads yoga indirectly into a study of tantra. Whereas yoga is direction of energy, tantra is the releasing of it. . . into directions up, down, sideways, releasing and receiving both.
Think of my tone right now . . I'm simply relating the lay of the land of life as best as I can from the vantage point that I have, to someone who is younger and going through much the same traumas that I went through.
But even I must collapse and be reduced to tears sometime and with who? Tantra says 'From everyone . . ." for ultimately with Tantra it is divine love focused through the chakras of the spine receiving and releasing into all dimensions.
Practice loving and you will be loved. Practice reassuring and you will be reassured. Practice making other people feel less lonely and you will be less lonely.
